Tuesday, April 5, 2011

(D) Diet Dreams


If anyone ever tells you that diet's are easy...well- they're big fat little skinny liars. 
Or simply ignorant about the entire torturous process of shedding unwanted weight.
Sure, diets can be easy if you just need to lose a few pounds. The smart solution would be to cut out sodas for a week, skip dessert on Sunday, and Zumba with your friends a few times after work. In a matter of days, you ought to be back in your tiny tops and skinny jeans, looking like that anorexic movie star that you aspire to be.

How nice for you.

But there are those of us whose greatest wish in life is to be thin. Are we wanting mansions? Sports cars? Exotic vacations to faraway places? 
No. 
We are simply wanting to look good in our own skin...
...to look in the mirror and not see that layer of fat pouring out like fleshy syrup from beneath a too-tight bra strap...
...to sit down and not have to hide the multiple belly rolls that suddenly appear like the coils of a Amazonian python....
...to walk to one end of the mall to the next without having to call 9-1-1 and beg the paramedics to bring oxygen. 

And a donut.
















For me, a diet is a continuous obstacle. It must be confronted every single moment of every single day. Just like dirty dishes, soiled laundry, and the green grass in summer- it needs constant attention or it simply gets out of control.
I've come to believe that control is the very thing that I lack. I love vegetables, fresh fruit, broiled fish and baked chicken. But control is thrown right out the window and run over by a convoy of 18-wheelers the minute that something sweet crosses my path or dilates my nostrils.
Most sophisticated and classy women can nibble a slice of cheesecake the size and thickness of a credit card and complain of "being stuffed". That is control
(Not to mention total delusional nonsense...)
But gals like me prefer their cheesecake the size of encyclopedias, their pastries as wide as a queen size bed and their M&M's poured into their mouths like buckets of candy-wine.



I have diet dreams.


Every Sunday night I dream of Monday's diet...
...of waking up as fresh and sweet as Cindy Crawford...of floating around the house in spandex shorts, eating petite organic carrots sticks and sipping honeyed green tea...of purposefully bending and stooping and squatting as I dust and sweep and go about my daily chores...of pushing away that tuna sandwich at lunch before it's even half eaten...of jogging down the road a half mile and back- and still having the energy to mop the kitchen floor and prepare dinner...

Yes, I have dreams...
I have dreams that my arms will no longer have wings- that instead, I will have firm, tan biceps that can kick the crap out of any sugar cookie that calls my name...

I have a dream that my stomach will be so flat that my boobs will cast a voluptuous shadow upon it - and so tight the grand kids can play racket ball against it...

I have dreams that my closet will be full of single digit sizes, strapless dresses, sweater dresses, smart looking outfits and sexy swim suits... and tiny underwear the size of a Hobbits slingshot... and not the size of a mini-trampoline.

I have dream that I can slide into a pair of faded jeans, pull on a white blouse, stick my hair up in a messy bun and look like a million bucks...that I can sit with my legs curled under me on the couch ans think of nothing but good music, fun times, and my next shopping trip...to not be overburdened and obsessed with counting calories, measuring portions or weighing ounces...

I dream of being both anatomically and politically correct.


I don't even want to have to think about control. I just want it to be there. To exist. To do its thing without being told. To exercise it's omnipotent power and envelope me into a perfect world where food is not the enemy and a plate of pasta doesn't add six pounds overnight.

I want to be me. Just me. And not some circus freak in a fat suit whose thighs rub together while running the vacuum -or someone who has more chins than the Chinese phone book.

I have dreams. 

Beautiful, gentle dreams... and I am in control. 

*****************

15 comments:

mybabyjohn said...

The first three letters of the word diet spell die and that is just how it feels. I have so many diet cookbooks and I have yet to find a recipe that I could get past my nose. For me, it all boils down to keeping busy. If I am busy I don't think of food...because....to think of food is to eat.

Name: Luana Krause said...

This is hilarious! I can SO relate. Just yesterday I was determined to cut back on the sweets cuz I need to lose a few pounds and wouldn't you know? Hubby brought home a big box of pastries (apple fritters, donuts, eclaires). I was doomed.

Margaret Hall said...

Hahahahah....Ahhhhh, Rae, nobody can write like you~! I was enthralled with the whole thing~! As you know, I am that poster woman there~! I have to do an exercise to get my seat belt fastened~!! Yes, that donut could have been eaten by me if I could have gotten it off the page~!
**sigh**...Dang! It's not fair~!
We should be in Pilates together..lol
Love your "D"...

Sherrie said...

Hi!
Awesome "D" post and all of it is so true. I feel the same way myself. Have a great day!

Sherrie
Just Books

Jan Morrison said...

hmmm...the D posts are riddled with diet and dog posts...what did I think? How about desire or doughnuts or deep-fried anythings? I know of what you speak. Today I've been disciplined. I ate what I was allowed and I've been doing, not only ghastly paperwork (looking at zillions of tiny tiny wrinkled up pieces of paper to see which of the several tax year folders I'm behind with they go in) BUT also cleaning the tops of the kitchen cupboard - a job so horrible that I don't even have words for it. Way behind the grime besmirched bowls I found a tin and (horror music here) opened it. Was it a severed head? No. Was it cheese gone mouldy? No. It was CANDY I'd made at Christmas and stashed so not everyone would eat it in five minutes. Chocolate and toffee covered in almonds - almond rocca to be specific. And guess what I've been eating. ARGHH! That'll teach me.
Love your post - as usual.
Jan Morrison

sisterlinda said...

I know the feeling....DITTO to all! There is that secret of keeping ourselves so busy that we just don't find the time to eat! We need to also remember the rule of drinking LOTS of water. You and I know how it is done...heck,we have pictures to prove it! So hears to those stubborn 20 to 30 pounds that need to be erased...I'm with you all the way!

Happy dieting...(if there is such a thing!)

Kristin said...

I'm right there with you

Anne K. Albert said...

Like everyone else, I can SO relate. But did you know our weight is programed just like our height or the color of our eyes? We are just the way we should be. Enjoy. Relax. BE. (And forget the damn diet!)

Matthew Vanacore said...

Great advice! You should launch your own "Biggest Loser" TV show or at least, some kind of positive testimonial.

Ella said...

Eat like a cave woman and you will be fine, with an occasional doughnut, but tie it to something moving, so you have to chase it to get a bite.
;-D My real name is Ellen, just for the record.

Tracy said...

Ahh, diets are over rated...truly there is NO such thing as a diet, only a lifestyle change. That's why I like Weight Watchers because anything is an option just portion control and counting points.
Your post seemed all too familiar!

Cathy said...

Darn ol' Diets! I am trying to think of this diet adventure as a lifestyle change instead of a diet. But my comfort foods are fried, or sweets or both. No visions of sugar plums here--it's Popeye's chicken, Baskin Robbins Ice Cream, Bakers Square pie, homemade bread and cinnamon rolls. Sigh...those are now on my rarely eat list! Now just waiting for nice red juicy strawberries from our patch and plump red tomatoes from the garden. :) I just need to keep reminding myself that eating healthier can be delicious.
Cathy

Cathy said...

Darn ol' Diets! I am trying to think of this diet adventure as a lifestyle change instead of a diet. But my comfort foods are fried, or sweets or both. No visions of sugar plums here--it's Popeye's chicken, Baskin Robbins Ice Cream, Bakers Square pie, homemade bread and cinnamon rolls. Sigh...those are now on my rarely eat list! Now just waiting for nice red juicy strawberries from our patch and plump red tomatoes from the garden. :) I just need to keep reminding myself that eating healthier can be delicious.
Cathy

Sarah Mäkelä said...

This post is so funny, and SO true! I completely agree.

Bz said...

I totally relate! I have those dreams too, but I never thought of writing about them this way! Lovely! I really had a good laugh! But, yeah, it's all so true!
Nice to meet you during the A-Z challenge! Hope to see you around! I love your fun posts! :) Thank you for sharing!