Friday, January 14, 2011
I had planned on celebrating handwritten letters all week, but I'm fresh out of ideas and the energy to compose one today. I guess that's why it's a lost art. It takes time and thought and ...does anyone really care anyway?
I suppose that's one advantage of running your own blog. You can promise people things and not deliver. You can change your mind on the spur of the moment. You can even leave this page intentionally blank.
I had such high hopes for this new blog. I thought it would be different, a new kind of voice...fresh. But I see it developing just exactly like my old ones. And with it, the new year also takes on familiar molds, old habits, repeated routines and diminished hopes. Why is it that a clean slate is so exciting at first, and then it takes only days to become a messy hodgepodge of unimportant tracks that form a weary rut?
I suppose I also deceived myself to thinking that the new year would change me. That I would look in the mirror and see bright eyes and silky hair and energy that exuded from my pores like sweet honey.
But, no. I am still me. Still trying to grasp that better part of me, that faint voice that murmurs from somewhere inside my heart - only to be silenced by trivial obligations.
I have never been a leader. I have always been a follower. I usually accomplish something if I'm told what to do- and how and when to do it. I rarely take that first step, that so-called plunge, the gamble, the chance...I feel safer when someone lights the way, holds my hand, carves the path for me. Why?
Is it the fear of failure? Of appearing independent, aloof, unconventional? Of being laughed at, frowned upon, deserted?
Less than halfway through this first month of the year and I'm already talking discouraging words and sucking myself into a cave of my own making. Didn't I imagine all these days to be open and bright... and redesigned?
I suppose I haven't wasted too much time. It's better I recognize it now than six months down the road where habits just snowball into a huge blur of lost years. I've got to venture out and find new eyes. I must take that giant leap of faith.
I am truly sorry this blog has not been Fresh. But, it is me.
And that's all I can promise you.
Posted by Rae Frazier