Proper Mowing Attire

I'm pretty sure that most of you don't even think about the outfit you wear while mowing the yard- but, hey- I didn't either-until my sister Linda described her "mowing outfit" to me in great detail. It seems that somewhere along the line- in her many yard sale adventures or junking escapades- she happened upon a tube top.

Yes. I said tube top. And a pink striped one at that.

Now, I've been known to make my share of fashion mistakes, but it's pretty much a fact in better circles of society that tube tops are just not acceptable. If you're thin, they make you boobless. If you're shapely, they make you saggy. If you're fat, they make you look like the Epcot ball in a tube sock.

Linda says that she resembles a beach ball. A beach ball riding a lawnmower. And probably smoking a cigarette and chugging a beer at the same time. It's the National Inquirer's dream photo, for sure.

So, today is my day to mow and I've spent the last hour trying to select a tasteful outfit to mow the yard in. Usually it's old jeans and a too-big tee shirt- worn Nikes and a pony tail. But now Linda has me second-guessing my choices in mowing attire.

Being that it will get near 100 degrees today, I've opted out on the long jeans, but am considering a faded pair of Capris. Except that they are a little snug and cause a double muffin top that cannot even be hidden beneath a boy scout tent. Swim suit tops, halters- and yes- even tube tops are out of the question. Why? Because I'm 55, lily white, and have age spots the size of Australia on my shoulders. Not to mention the elbow wings that catch the breeze like a para sail once in awhile...

I do believe it's about time for some fashionista to design a special line of mowing clothes. Something attractive, but sensible- conservative, but breathable- loose, but not like a parachute. Something like a tube top.
But not.

And footwear? We need a light weight airy shoe that will be safe if we have to step off the mower to move the patio furniture- and something that will cover our toes so they won't still be green at the family reunion in July.

I'm stressing here. Because apparently I do not own a suitable "mowing outfit". I'm almost sick and jealous of Linda and her beach ball blouse... as she putters along in the hot sun... getting waves and honks from strangers...developing absolute zero tan lines...taking the age factor and simply tossing it from the equation...getting the job done with not one iota of concern about her fashion choices...

Hummmmm...You know- I think I saw I really cute tube top at Goodwill yesterday. I just might have time to run there before the day starts heating up!